Here at Appalachian Nation we’re commited to breakdown the uniqueness and sometimes insane etiquette practices of Appalachia.  This takes us to one of the staples of the Appalachian diet: buffets.  Buffets provide endless amounts of cheap ass food that can be consumed until your arteries literally walk out on you like a union striking over an abusive work environment.  However, if you are going to a buffet there a things you need to know so that you are able to get by and make the most of this truly Appalachian experience.

Fill Your Plate

For some reason, when you go through a buffet line in Appalachia you must fill your plate to a point where it begins to look like a Mayan pyramid.  This is completely unneccessary as the buffet’s main premise is that there is endless amounts of food, and partrons are able to go back and get more as many times as they would like.  But fuck that!  What matters is packing on as much food as you can so that you can test the weight bearing limits of your plate.  The best part of this etiquette pointer is that if you choose not to fill your plate up to max capacity you will almost immediately be met with questioning stares from the other patrons.  As if to say “What the fuck are you doing at a buffet if your not compacting every single food group on your plate simultaneously?”

"Damn, I forgot my tots!"

 Look Ma, No Sleeves!

At the buffet, most of the folks  you see wear appropriate attire.  Yet, there are always a few of the more machos out there that believe buffet eating is a sport.  You can point out these few brave souls by their propensity to wear cut-off shirts displaying way too hairy arms for the dinner table.  This is to allow for minimal drag as they transport their food from their plate to their mouth with maximum agility.  Usually this builds up a nice sweat since the majority of these competitors consider this activity their exercise routine.

It’s All in the Family

“What’s that ma’, you want to go the buffet? Okay, well I’ll get the kids and you call up Uncle Donny, Grandpa, Grandma, Cousin Frank, etc. etc. etc. and see if they’d like to come along.”  Bringing the entire extended family with you to the buffet is a must in Appalachia.  The idea that this could be a place of eating for less than 4 patrons is purely unacceptable here.  So get that weak shit outta here! and..and also ask your nephew if he would like to come along.  We’re going to be there at 6:30, sleeves optional.

See You Next Time,

Nick Pittman